America is fascinated by celebrities. Once upon a time, tabloids were the only media that devoted their entire coverage to the celebrity culture. Now there are websites, television shows, networks and reality shows dedicated to covering celebrity in miniscule, if not trivial detail. Our obsession with celebrity seems like it will last a long time—at least well into 2012. With that in mind, here are celebrity resolutions we’d like to see in the New Year.
Lady Gaga: I will release a new album digitally with a pay-what-you-like model and all the proceeds donated to charity.
Donald Trump: I agree to participate in a one-hour live reality TV show in which I have a wig-off with William Shatner.
The Kardashians: We will relinquish our celebrity status and go back to anonymity.
Lindsay Lohan: I will stay home more often.
Chris Matthews: I will let someone finish their sentence.
Charlie Sheen: I will take the year off and stay out of the news.
Justin Bieber: In the time-honored tradition of going out when you’re on the top, I will be retiring.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt: We will continue to do humanitarian work even though we are mocked for doing so.
Jennifer Lopez: I am not dating anyone for a year. No one at all.
Madonna: I will invent a functional time machine and go back to the golden era of being a cute and bubbly pop singer.
Dr. Phil: I will stop asking, “What makes you think this is the right way to behave?” of my guests.
Courtney Love: I will not air my dirty laundry on social media.
Miley Cyrus: I will not allow any cameras around me when I am just hanging out with friends and might say or do something embarrassing.
Seinfeld: I will go through with a full-fledged reunion in 2012. And it will be awesome.
Oprah Winfrey: I am going to empower everyone to change the world. And it will happen.